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Monday, 29 November 2010

  • Bulleted lists!

    I haven't blogged at all in months. It's been over a year since I blogged regularly. That's just sad.

    I miss Xanga. I don't miss the writing so much as I miss my friends. I miss Pennie, Kalah and V a TONNE. (That's a metric ton, if you're wondering why it's spelled that way.) I'm not entirely sure if I will pick up the blogging again. I really don't know.

     

    Basically, the last year or so has been really rough, and, like I said in my last real entry, while Xanga has been my safe place in the past, I'm not ready to have it all out there. Here's the condensed version of the last year.

    • Paul and I started attending couples' counseling sometime in the Winter.
    • We also each started attending individual therapy sessions during that time. (And, guys, I love you and all, but I doubt I'll go into the reasons why publicly. winky)
    • We separated, or, rather, I left, in April. I moved to be nearer to my family, and I got a full time job.
    • I did the single mom thing for three months.
    • Paul graduated college in June.
    • Paul moved back in with me and the girls (more out of necessity than anything else) at the end of June.
    • In July, we decided to actually reconcile rather than continue looking for somewhere else for Paul to live.
    • On August 12 (my birthday, incidentally), Paul received an offer for a position with the Army (as a civilian) in Rock Island, IL.
    • He moved to Illinois at the end of September to start his job; I followed him with the girls a week later.

     

    Now, I've been thinking about some of this, particularly the part up there where I said that I don't miss the writing. I have some theories on why that might be. One, frankly, I haven't had the time to be all that creative. Xanga has been an outlet for my creativity, and I may have lost that entirely in the last year. I'm not all that sad about that; I'm sure if I need it again in the future, it'll come back. Two, Xanga was always a good place for me to vent frustration and hash out my "big feelings." Therapy is good for that, too, though, and after a therapist has heard it all, it's so draining to dredge it up again. Plus, I have a tendency to over think things and just absolutely beat them to death in my mind; writing about it after hashing it out in therapy (and chatting about it with people online or in real life) really just makes it harder to keep myself from worrying myself into a frenzy.

    I miss my friends here. Two have followed me to my other home on the web, Gentle Christian Mothers, although I don't think either are very active there. winky That's okay. Other than that, I've been keeping up with everyone on Facebook. That means, of course, that if you haven't put it on Facebook, I don't know about it. I miss you guys. I do.

    I've discovered/come to grips with a few things in the past year. This isn't intended to be a comprehensive list, but here we go...

    • My sister and I see the world through very different lenses, but I think either of us would lay down in traffic for the other, and that's what counts.
    • I have clinical depression. Medication helps. A ton. I thought it would create a fog, or turn the volume down on the color and light in my life, but I've found that it really helped to remove the haze that I was trying desperately to see through.
    • I'm just like my mom. And my dad. That's not as bad as I thought it would be when I was 17.
    • Some people will take your darkest moment and make it worse, then justify their actions. Those people disgust me, frankly.
    • The cynicism that comes with intellectual ability leaves me aghast.
    • The ability to agree to disagree is paramount in functioning as an adult in a civilized society.
    • Boundaries within relationships are really key.
    • I have a tendency to become co-dependent within relationships. This is hard to stop. Ah, therapy.
    • Giving up on God doesn't mean God will give up on you.
    • Nothing but the love of God is guaranteed. Everything else is flexible. Having a Plan B isn't paranoid; there are times it is the better part of wisdom.
    • You don't know until you've walked a mile in my worn out black flats. You just don't.
    • The fact that someone else has it worse doesn't make what you're dealing with less bad.
    • I love cooking, and, since I have no musical outlet right now, that's where I channel my stress. (Incidentally, we've been eating pretty well.)
    • It's ok to have goals and aspirations. "I lost myself," is a cop out.
    • Self care is important.
    • Crying is good, too.
    • Everyone and their spouse should go take a Meyers-Briggs test and find out his or her personality type. It's incredibly eye-opening. (I'm INFP, if you're wondering.)

     

    I'm really sorry if that all comes off as sad and hard. That's not what I intended when I started the list! Maybe it's reflective of how I'm really feeling; I have no idea.

     

    Well...

    I may be back around, and I may not. I wish i could promise to keep up with this site, but the last few times I've blogged I've tried to make commitments to come back, and I'm clearly not up to meeting that commitment. I'm really sorry, friends.

     

    Please please please let me know what you've been up to!

    Until next time, whenever that is! laughing

Friday, 09 July 2010

  • I do not kneel when I pray.

    I'm sure that I have, in the past, found occasion to kneel in prayer, probably while wearing pajamas, probably beside a bed before going to sleep. I cannot, though, remember the last time I actually assumed this position in prayer. Then, considering this, it occurs to me, it has been a long time since I was present when another person knelt in prayer, though it is sure to have happened, being that I have spent the bulk of my church-going years in Pentecostal churches.

    Come to think of it, I have seen believers assuming a variety of postures when in prayer. Apparently, the Charismatic will do it any position.

    Thinking the other night about prayer while kneeling versus prayer in other positions, I decided to do a little research.
     Interestingly, the Bible does not often reference kneeling; in the King James Version, the word "kneel" only appears twice (in Genesis 24:11. and Psalm 95:6 )"Knelt" doesn't appear at all, and "kneeling" appears three times. Each individual kneeling in those verses (1 Kings 8:54;  Matthew 1:14 ; and Mark 1:40) are kneeling in supplication. Since, though, the majority of people whose prayer lives were of consequence enough to be listed in the Bible are Jews, it begs the question whether the Jews knelt to pray.

    Traditionally, when Jews pray, they stand. Why, then, do we, as Christians, who are grafted into the olive tree, kneel (or, not, as the case may be)? A fascinating article details the five traditional postures for prayer and the reasons for them. In western Christianity, as it turns out, kneeling symbolizes "simple humility and submission;" it is the posture traditionally assumed when requesting favors of a king. It stands to reason that this would be the position taken when uttering prayers of repentance or supplication.

    So, upon reading this, I reflected on what it is we do when we pray. We plead with God, we complain about our lot, we shake our proverbial fist at the sky, we thank Him, we ask for supernatural intervention on our own behalf or that of others, and we praise. Maybe we choose words carefully, maybe we let it come out as it pops into the mind, skipping the inner monologue, maybe we don't pray aloud at all, choosing instead to let God simply hear our unadulterated thoughts, maybe we read a prayer someone else wrote down for a particular circumstance.

    But before we start talking (or not), what is it we actually do when we pray?

    We speak with God. Perhaps we speak hoping, or even expecting, that He will talk back, or, perhaps, we treat prayer as more of a monologue, but we still address God.

    While I agree that God is approachable, loving, and caring, I have to wonder if casually is the best way to approach prayer all the time. Really, what is the proper position to assume when speaking with the One who created knees?

    To quote my mother, "Just who do you think you're talking to?"


Sunday, 27 June 2010

  • Hi, Xanga!

    So, it's been a little while...

    A lot has happened. A lot. I don't even want to go into it right this minute; perhaps at a later date.

    Anyway, I'm thinking about using Xanga as kind of a devotional journal. This week I'm going to read Galatians 6 every day, and analyze a couple verses at a time.

    So, here we go, verses 1-3.
    NKJV
     1 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. 2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.

    The Message
    1-3 Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.

    I think two versions of this passage is enough.

    I think it's interesting that Paul takes the time to encourage gentleness when calling someone out on their sin. "Save your critical comments for yourself." Hm. That makes sense in light of  Proverbs 15:1. "1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (NIV)
    Having been on the wrong end of some harsh reproach recently...although, I guess that there is no "good" end of it, whether giving or receiving... it makes sense that Paul would feel the need to bring that to our attention.
    "Considering yourself..."
    So many verses come to mind with this. "Judge not, lest ye be judged," "but for the grace of God go I..." at the top of the list.

    Galatians 6:2 was a memory verse for our Wednesday night Missionettes girls' Bible study "Stars." In my head, I'll always remember that verse in the KJV, and I'll always say it with that "reciting a verse with a group" cadence. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to portray that in text, and you really just can't, so I'll let it go. Anyway.

    It's a pretty high calling to fulfill the law of Christ. I think if we looked at it that way, we might be more likely to help someone out. Hm. Pondering...

    And then there's verse three, which kind of knocks us down a peg. :P If you think you're something when you're nothing, you're lying to yourself. Nice.


    Ok. Hopefully I stick with this. I miss blogging, I need the catharsis of writing in the worst way, and I need to get into the Bible, even if it's for just an intellectual exercise. I'm having kind of a crisis of faith. Really processing. Trying to figure out... some stuff. Where is God in this? What does He expect of me here? Do I care? Does it matter how much you hurt? Will it really matter if I just walk away?

    I won't lie... these are not questions I ever, ever, ever thought I'd write, but, then, this is a place I've never been, so... there it is.

    If your tendency is to worry, don't. Especially you, Dad. Don't. I'm okay.



Sunday, 14 March 2010

  • Currently
    Brand New Eyes
    By Paramore
    see related

    Oh, my goodness, Day FOUR.

    Day four is hard. The cardio is SERIOUS. Serious.

    It's a 45 minute long cardio workout, and you work hard right out the gate. You do use really light weights at points in the workout, but that's not the focus. She says at one point in the beginning, "Work hard enough on the cardio to EARN the weight training." I was like... "Is she serious?"

    She totally is. The cardio is super intense, but I used the low impact modifications for several things to protect my ankle. There was one move that I didn't even attempt, but I will next week. It was this thing, but slower, without the jump thing he does, and with legs wide apart. Next time.

    So, 45 minutes of cardio, then 10 minutes of abs. The abs work was hard, too, but doable, especially if I followed some of the modifications she offers.

    Now then, my new favorite dessert is this:

    You take one sugar free chocolate pudding cup, one sugar free strawberry jello cup, one strawberry, sliced up, and two tablespoons of sugar free Cool Whip. Mix that all up in a bowl. It is sooooo rich and sweet and wonderful, and low-cal, too.

    Thanks for reading!

Saturday, 13 March 2010

  • Currently
    Chalean Extreme - Workout DVD
    see related

    Day Three!

    Today's workout (Burn Circuit 2) was hard! It invvolved such things as the bowler's lunge with a row, a sumo squat with a tricept extension, and push-ups. There were push-ups last time, too.

    I do girl push-ups. It works for me.

     

    Anyway. I'm going to feel this in the morning, I'm sure. I kinda look forward to it.

    Ok, not really. But, so far, I really enjoy this workout. It still has me sweating, working hard, and breathing heavy, but I'm not bouncing around, out of breath, etc. Now, tomorrow is Burn Intervals & Ab Burner, and I bet that is more cardio-focused. I'm really looking forward to it! I kinda like working out.

    Actually, yesterday, when it was a planned rest day, I kept thinking, "Oh, I get to work out!" And then I remembered that, no, it was a planned rest day. I wanted to do a cardio thing or something, but I read or heard somewhere that when you do lifting and cardio that you have to give your muscles a chance to rest so they can actually build up from the work you made them do. I figured, meh, the people that designed the workout probably know a good deal more about the way muscle works than I do, so I didn't do anything. It's ok; it was a busy day anyway.

    One thing that I think is interesting about this program is that they keep emphasizing how important it is to use heavier weights. You use a weight heavy enough that you can do the exercise very slowly with proper form to failure at ten to twelve reps. If you fail at 9 or fewer reps, you went too heavy, and if you feel like you can do two or three or five or however many more after they stop at 12 reps, then you went too light.

    I find this interesting. I always heard that women especially should only lift light weights -- two or five pounds -- and do lots and lots of fast reps. The theory was that if you used heavier weights you would bulk up. According to the people at CLX, though, that's not true. I'm going to do what they tell me to do on the video, and I'll let you know how it works out at the end of the 90 days.

    I went to the grocery store today and bought a lot of healthy (and "healthier") food. I think now I'll go make things more convenient for myself. I'm going to cut up veggies and fruit and bag up individual servings of healthier snack foods so that it's just as easy to grab, I don't know, carrot sticks, as it is to grab a Little Debby.

    I'll check in tomorrow and let you know about Burn Intervals & Ab Burner!